Written by Yana Alana | 28 July 2010

Dear Yana,

Did you read recently what Mel Gibson said to his wife? She got it all on tape for the divorce. What do you think?

Anzhelika Petrov

Dear Anzhelika,

A divorce is always messy, but when you’re divorcing a racist, misogynist, homophobic, controlling, Catholic fundamentalist, right wing, egomaniac, bigot, celebrity in the middle of a mid-life crisis, it’s bound to get a little messier than usual.
What can I say? The man cast himself as Jesus. But even Allah can’t save him now.

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Dear Yana,

I’m so excited that Julia Gillard is our first female Prime Minister. I hope she wins the election. Don’t you agree?

Dorothy Donkey

Dear Dorothy,

 

I must say, it was like a wet dream watching our female Governor General sign in our Female Prime Minister. But like all wet dreams, I eventually awoke in a pool of my own smelly excretions. What a shame that our first Female Prime Minister isn’t also an inspirational leader. The more she speaks, the more I feel the bitter disappointment set in. She hasn’t got the flaps to allow gay marriage and yet again asylum seekers are one of the main election issues. I mean come on Julia, let a few fucking boats in. Let’s look at the facts, shall we?

Ninety-five percent of asylum seekers arriving by boat are found to be genuine refugees. Just 3441 asylum seekers were given refugee status in Australia last year. Australia only accepts one percent of the worlds’ refugees. At the current rate of refugee arrivals, it would take 20 years to fill the MCG.

Australia is yet again caught in a racist election debate. If it’s a fear of population overgrowth, then for God’s sake someone stop Tony Abbott’s daughters from breeding!

I celebrate the fact that we have an atheist, Welsh born, childless, defacto, red-headed woman with an annoying voice and a hairdresser as a partner as our Prime Minister. But all Julia Gillard is proving is that good leadership is not about gender, it’s about agenda!

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Dear Yana,

I heard that this is your last column? Is this true?

Faith

Hi Faith,

Believe me, I know it’s tough for CHERRIE readers, but I have to move on. The truth is that one year is a really long time and this relationship had to end. I know it’s crushing for my fans but nothing this good could last forever. Farewell and fuck off.

Yana Alana

Sarah Ward, creator of Yana Alana, is currently touring nationally and internationally with Circus Oz. She would like to thank CHERRIE for allowing Yana Alana such freedom of speech.  yanaalana.com